2014, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Tracy Anderson’s shorts also serve as a Rorshach test.

Second Impression: Look carefully. What do you see?  Interesting.

We’re back with Tracy Anderson for three total body workouts, filmed in a… ummm… what is this place, exactly?

If you guessed “a sound stage with absolutely nothing in it,” you are correct! You can see the electric breaker boxes and the chicken wire that holds the fire-resistant wall padding in place. Three Kenoflo lights and we’re done! The set designer is either a Brechtian genius, or an absolute con artist. 

We start with Full Body Beginner, where Tracy Anderson tells us what time it is:

Almost 3 o’clock, school’s out!

We do a move where we lie down, then sit up and kick our leg up like a cat bathing itself:

Tracy Anderson points out, “As soon as you feel comfortable with this workout you need to move on to the next sequence.” Which is what I did the following day. Nailed it!

On to the Chair Sequence. We start with some of Tracy Anderson’s patented arm pulses, which really do tone up your arms very effectively. As an added benefit, you look as if you are performing the climactic number of a musical about gritty urban life:

You’ll need a horribly ugly lucite chair stolen from a Downtown art exhibit exploring the nature of transparency, or a similar vague theme:

We do all the exercises on one leg, in sets of 20 or 30. Then we repeat on the other side. If you like your workouts repetitive and tedious, have I got a treat for you!

As we complete this series, Tracy Anderson summarizes, “We had a lot of movement going on that might have woken up things that you might not have known were in you.” Release the Kraken!

Now, we’ve sweated our way up to Full Body Intermediate. After doing some semaphore movements with 2-pound dumbbells, we strap on ankle weights to really blow out our tendons, I mean, get the most out of our workout:

Be advised, you may need to adjust your expectations about what this DVD can actually do for you. Tracy drives it home with, “the truth of how you’re going to look is the truth of how you’re doing these movements,” in the manner of a retail supervisor who asks if you really tried your best.

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