2009, free from Robyn S.

First Impression: It smiles when it does squats.

Second Impression: Or else it gets the hose again.

And so is revealed the conclusion of the epic butt trilogy, The Butt of the Rings: Return of the Butt King. 

We begin with the High & Tight workout. Leandro Carvalho assembles his supermodel minions, which he has hobbled with ankle bands to prevent their escape:

I don’t have bands, for I am untamed. Well, I used to have a band, but I kept it in a drawer folded up an a pouch, creating an ideal environment for it to seal onto itself and make a stretchy blob. This band no longer sparks joy.

But you know what does spark joy, and also bewilderment? Leandro!  He shows us “a balance exercise to work your boom boom!”

Now, I realize something is missing. I had selected “lower music” in the DVD menu, but now I hear nary an intoxicating rhythm. I would estimate that Leandro’s workouts are 75% less fun without music. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Save yourselves.

To signify the cool down, Leandro announces, “time for your payback,” which I find to be somewhat threatening.

I move on to the Sculpt section. Leandro and friends have become a horde of aesthetically appealing zombies:

We break out the hand weights for some tricep kickbacks. Leandro asserts the importance of “nice posture and a healthy spine so you can walk tall.”  This is the first time I have ever heard him talk about anything except butts.  Hmmm. Personal growth.

I discover that Leandro’s class is a trendy spot for young Star Wars actors. Felicity Jones from Rogue One is hiding in plain sight:

And here’s Daisy Ridley. I see you, Rey:

The Force is with them as we do an overhead press with a leg lift and a curtsey squat. Then, Leandro uses his Jedi mind trick to convince everyone to kneel on a hardwood floor:

“Look into my eyes. Cause I’m look at you and you look at me,” concludes Leandro. I imagine Kylo Ren saying those words. Chilling. I kind of want one of those cats that looks like Adam Driver:


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