2009, free from Robyn S.

First Impression: “Created by Brazilian Butt Master Leandro Carvalho…”

Second Impression: Why not Master of Butts, Leandro? Too fancy for you?

My friend gave me a three-DVD set of Brazilian Butt workouts that she never used. Thank you, Marie Kondo! Now, to determine if they spark joy for me.

Our instructor is Leandro Carvalho, and the first thing he teaches me is that I pronounce “Bum Bum” incorrectly.

“This is the Boom Boom workout!  Boom Boom is Booty!”

Well, that tracks.

“This gonna be all about your butt!” 

All right, Sir, I think we’ve got the picture.

Leandro is assisted by a pack of unicorns, by which I mean, the only six women in the world who have absolutely no cellulite at all. The camera pans lovingly all over their legs to drive this point home. There is not a dimple, not a vein, not a pore on their gams whatsoever. They are smooth, like Barbie.

Leandro has a tattoo of a serpent on the inside of his left, or more sinister, bicep:

Clearly, this is the mark of Slytherin. He demonstrates his magical powers by randomly transporting us to the outdoors throughout the workout:

However, on this alternate plane, Leandro’s voice no longer matches the movement of his mouth. Sorcery!

One of the moves is the Ipanema Walk, an almost impossible balance challenge of an eight-part squat with swinging legs and arms. Even Leandro looks terrified:

Next, we do an Arabesque, which is more rapid squatting and reaching. Leandro commands us, “Every time you lift your leg, squeeze your Boom Boom!”

I’m out of breath. I should have turned on my air conditioner before starting this workout. I haven’t used it at all this year, but now it’s June and here comes the heat! Boom Boom!

We move to the Grab and Throw, which is just practice for tossing your soiled workout clothes towards the hamper:

The unrelenting pace of the workout never lets up. Sweat gathers around the rims of my socks. I can feel my hair sweat. Boom Boom!

We do an exercise called High Heels. It’s basically stomping with your heels up:

This is how I actually walk in heels. Boom Boom!

Leandro coaches us through the final move. “Give me something from your heart!  Push!” The sweat stain on Leandro’s shirt is actually heart-shaped. But there’s no time to dwell on the poetic significance of this, because we’re done with the gratuitous gluteus!  Obrigado!

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