2010, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill on Fair Oaks in Pasadena
First Impression: There’s nothing like that brand new butt smell.
Second Impression: Wait, what?
We start our warmup with Janis Saffell, mistress of kickboxing, poolside yoga, and soulmate to this guy:
“This will be fun,” she says. I’m immediately overwhelmed by a palpable sense of dread. Maybe because this is a step workout, and… I just… don’t like step aerobics. There, I said it. I don’t own a step, so my plan is to pretend that a random square on my floor is said step, and to keep up with this silly pretense as long as I can.
I marvel at how Janis and friends are able to string together all the moves as she tosses out each name: Revolving Door, Repeater, Over Regular, Over The Top, Straddle, Round The World… it’s almost like calling a square dance, except no one has a partner, there is nary a hay bale to be found, and just where did that fiddle player get to?
I notice that Janis randomly giggles for no reason. Perhaps she experiences things beyond our comprehension.
Suddenly, a dark presence tells her to Get Out, and she makes a beeline for the nearest exit:
Soon she discovers this room has no doors and no windows, which offers this chilling challenge: to find a way out!
She begrudgingly returns to her step and continues. Her mouth gets out of sync with her voice. More infernal interference.
Janis leads us in a Repeater Attitude:
What beauty! What grace! What… what the hell is that? Is that Tupperware lid still on the wall from her last video?
Now they’re all making a break for it:
Ladies, please! You are IN this video. I need you to be slightly more motivated than I am.
Mercifully, it’s time for the Cool Down, at the conclusion of which, Janis muses, “Like I said at the beginning, Pilates is all about maturing and critiquing your workout.”
Wait… you never said that at the beginning, Janice! Also, this isn’t a Pilates routine. This is just a segment tacked on from a different DVD! I feel so cheap.