BRAND NEW BUTT – STEP

2010, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill on Fair Oaks in Pasadena

First Impression: There’s nothing like that brand new butt smell.

Second Impression: Wait, what?

We start our warmup with Janis Saffell, mistress of kickboxing, poolside yoga, and soulmate to this guy:

“This will be fun,” she says. I’m immediately overwhelmed by a palpable sense of dread. Maybe because this is a step workout, and… I just… don’t like step aerobics. There, I said it. I don’t own a step, so my plan is to pretend that a random square on my floor is said step, and to keep up with this silly pretense as long as I can. 

I marvel at how Janis and friends are able to string together all the moves as she tosses out each name: Revolving Door, Repeater, Over Regular, Over The Top, Straddle, Round The World… it’s almost like calling a square dance, except no one has a partner, there is nary a hay bale to be found, and just where did that fiddle player get to?

I notice that Janis randomly giggles for no reason. Perhaps she experiences things beyond our comprehension.  

Suddenly, a dark presence tells her to Get Out, and she makes a beeline for the nearest exit:

Soon she discovers this room has no doors and no windows, which offers this chilling challenge: to find a way out!

She begrudgingly returns to her step and continues. Her mouth gets out of sync with her voice. More infernal interference.

Janis leads us in a Repeater Attitude:

What beauty! What grace! What… what the hell is that? Is that Tupperware lid still on the wall from her last video?

Now they’re all making a break for it:

Ladies, please! You are IN this video. I need you to be slightly more motivated than I am.

Mercifully, it’s time for the Cool Down, at the conclusion of which, Janis muses, “Like I said at the beginning, Pilates is all about maturing and critiquing your workout.”

Wait… you never said that at the beginning, Janice! Also, this isn’t a Pilates routine. This is just a segment tacked on from a different DVD! I feel so cheap.

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