STOTT PILATES SIMPLE STRETCHES

2003 $2.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: It would seem the neck stretches in this workout are rather effective.

Second Impression: Or perhaps we have Photoshop to thank for the nightmare fuel of Giraffe Neck.

The workout begins with a simple “Hi.”  This is Moira. 

If you’re familiar with Stott Pilates videos, you know she doesn’t actually teach the routine. She shows up to introduce the instructor, then ditches for the rest of the video, like an emotionally unavailable parent.  Here’s our new governess:

She lets us know this routine is “designed to calm and focus the mind.” Well, look who’s already calm:

Let it be known that the House Panther remained here throughout the 45 minute workout. You try saying “no” to that face.

This routine features a pair of forgotten Jane Austen characters, Beth and Loreen:

First up, Listening Puppy Pose.

(insert pic)

Now say the mantra three times… who’s a good girl…

We do some arm-wrenching postures, like Eagle Arms and Reverse Prayer. I won’t post pictures of these, because those poses look so unnatural that it’s upsetting to sensitive people. I think I put you through enough with the Giraffe Neck at the top.

The next pose is called Hydrant because you lift your leg like a dog marking its territory:

There’s even a convenient tree to aim at.

Somebody heard the instructor mention Cat Pose and decided to show off:

We transition to the floor. Here’s my actual view while attempting Bridge Pose:

By the way, I highly recommend Knee Over Knee Pose for sciatica:

I recognize that vague, absent look in Loreen’s eyes. We all do this occasionally, just a momentary disassociation when the external stimulus of the world gets to be too much. In the Before Times, if someone caught me having a quiet moment, it was cue the rude comments: “Why does your face look weird?”  

Now, under our masks, we’re all disassociating a little bit, and I think that’s just fine. Maybe when this is all over and the masks come off, we’ll have learned to be a little kinder to people who might be going through something. Maybe? I hope?