INTENSE BODY BLAST PILATES INTERVAL TRAINING LEVEL 3

2015, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: What’s that? Strawberry smoothies at craft service?

Second Impression: Lemme finish up these crunches and I’ll be right over.

And so we come to the final chapter of another majestic trilogy. This one has everything… twists, turns, stretches, and an absentee mother figure. Let’s blast right in.

Headmistress Moira Merrithew has changed into a black outfit, so you know we’re in for some serious peril:

Let’s watch as the Order of the Phoenix prepares to learn Defense Against the Dark Arts:

“Now let’s get started and have some fun!” Moira suggests, as she makes a hasty exit. I suppose these students will have to Expecto Patronum all on their own.

We start simply enough, by breathing and reaching. Moira, having Transmogrified herself into a cat, watches with a barely concealed wish for more kibble:

We do crunches combined with leg lifts.  After three DVDs of “Intense Body Blast,” now we’re getting somewhere! This actually feels like a workout now:

Next, we imitate someone who is possessed. I see you, October!

We power through a difficult pushup/knee lift/pike sequence, and now the instructor is out of breath. I’m concerned we’ll be vulnerable to the Dark Arts.

We pause for a Mermaid Stretch. Now, when I think of mermaids, I don’t think of sparkly, pretty fishtailed girls singing and combing each other’s hair. How boring! No, real mermaids are actually more like the ones from the Triwizard Tournament: 

Don’t splash the mermaid.

We do some Cirque de Soléil-inspired twisty moves, where we squish up into a small pretzel and then expand into a larger, balancing pretzel:

It’s fun and I’m enjoying the challenge. I wonder if the three-disc set is worth keeping simply for this third and final workout. 

Moira reappears, having returned to her human form:

Let’t zoom in to have a closer look at that epic eyeroll:

Then, exactly as they planned it, everyone stands in the center of the room and engages in forced small talk as the credits roll, like a midmorning talk show.