2003, $2.00, at Out of the Closet Superstore in Glassell Park
First Impression: There are two doors behind this stoic couple.
Second Impression: Behind one is a beautiful lady, and behind the other is a fearsome tiger.
Moira is here to challenge your core and prove that yes, exercise clothing is made in olive green. She stands in front of what closely resembles Mr. Window from Pee-wee’s Playhouse. I’m waiting for the eyes to google around, but then I see the window is locked. Only one person is allowed to talk on this DVD, and it’s Moira!
The trainers who demonstrate the routine are wearing shades of lavender in contrast to Moira’s deep earth tones. I don’t know much about design theory, so I couldn’t tell if these colors were a viable choice, or just a sickly, jarring mistake.
I looked it up, and I guess this is a trendy color palette for weddings.
I stand corrected.
This is yet another Pilates DVD where the instructor doesn’t actually do the exercises herself. Moira lurks behind her helper people, who dutifully obey her commands with silent smiles, a profound emptiness in their eyes.
At one point Moira says, “I’d say we’re ready for some pushups,” the same way your favorite aunt might announce that there is cake.
I have decided that Moira’s helpers have escaped from a Ballet Russes touring production of Firebird and now must Pilates their way out of indentured servitude. They smile and pump their arms while performing The Hundred, with each arm flap moving closer to the day they will be made free.
Perhaps they are a romantic couple in real life as well as being paired on the Pilates mat. “Max, I love you,” she seems to say as she jackknifes up into Full Teaser. “I know,” is his reply, lowering arms and legs to the mat slowly and with control.