MALIBU PILATES TOTAL DREAM BODY SCULPTING WORKOUT

MalibuPilates1

2007, $3.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Look at these two douchebags.

Second Impression: Just look at them.

Okay, that wasn’t very fair. These two perfect human beings are probably not douchebags, they are just models hired to pose for the front cover. It’s not their fault they were photographed as if they are so superior, they couldn’t bother to make eye contact with the camera lens.

These two aren’t even in the video. I doubt any workout could make the average person look like this. Barbie and Ken here were fabricated using an ideal genetic makeup, some highly questionable nutritional supplements, and about $25,000 worth of cosmetic dentistry.

After trying out this DVD, I decided to pay more attention to the back covers of things, which are usually pretty good about specifying whether you need a certain piece of equipment. The back cover does say you need something called a Malibu Pilates Chair, but the Goodwill price tag covers up the picture of said chair, so I didn’t really think about it. I was too interested in the front cover, which features this bikini-clad vampire couple in front of a painting of a beach. They do seem like they are picking out their next victims, don’t they?

So the Malibu Pilates Chair, which I do not have, is a metal stool contraption with a padded seat and footrest. You can adjust the level of spring resistance and some other settings to modify the type of exercise you can do. It’s sort of like a Bowflex machine for ladies. I say that because a dude would never buy this. He’d rather just buy an elliptical machine to keep in the spare bedroom, where it would very quickly transition into its rightful function as a clothes-drying rack.

I thought I could follow along with the workout by sitting on the edge of my ottoman and pedaling the air in an approximation of the moves. I stand corrected. This is a dull, pointless workout, filmed poolside on a Malibu hilltop to give this program an aura of exclusivity. I lasted about eight minutes before shutting it off. Perhaps it was all a dream.

 

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