CORE RHYTHMS BODY SCULPTING COLLECTION

CoreRhythms

2008, $2.99, at American Way Thrift Store, Burbank

First Impression: The sentient computer, C.O.R.E., monitors your biorhythms while these two space witches show you how to conjure up toned and flat abs.

Second Impression: As seen on TV.

There are three discs in the DVD case, with one 30 minute workout per disc. They really could have fit all the programs on one DVD. I suppose “three disc set” makes it sound more impressive on the infomercial.

I start with the Secret To Sexy Abs. The secret is that these videos look like they were filmed in the rec room at a women’s prison. You know, the joint. The slammer. The pokey. The stoney lonesome. Three hots and a cot. As I follow along with the Funky Knee Raises and Side Hip Crunches, I expect the prison matron to barge in at any minute and shackle them off to the mess hall for an unsatisfying portion of Nutri-Loaf.

The Latin Cardio Jam has a different instructor. Her hair is bleached to match her skin, and her face is helpfully sprayed Malibu Orange so you can tell where her forehead ends. She punctuates some of the sharper moves with cries of “Whoop, zoom!” It’s a party.

Rory Gilmore’s doppelganger is one of the backup dancers in this routine. I wonder what she’s in for… maybe stealing that yacht with Logan Huntzberger? Rory does her level best here, smiling her disarming smile, and when it seems like she can’t keep up with the moves, the editor helpfully cuts to a close-up of the instructor.

With the Lower Body Sculpt, we’re back with the original teacher, the one whose hair is dyed like Raggedy Ann’s. I have worked out to so many of these DVD’s that specifically target the hips, buns, and thighs. As a nation, we are absolutely obsessed with our lower bodies, because we prefer our television binge-watched and our potato skins loaded.

After 23 minutes of flamenco-inspired lunges, I’m not upset when the prison matron arrives to break up the party. It’s early lights out because Rory got caught sharpening a spoon with a rock in the prison yard.

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