2008, $2.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: “Fun, original dance music!”

Second Impression: I said “fun,” dammit!

Get ready to Dance And Be Fit… or else! “Have you ever wondered why dancers have such great legs?” ponders instructor Kimberly Miguel Mullen. No, because that would be creepy.

It’s because legs are our instruments!” Kimberly concludes. Note that by using the pronoun “our,” she’s giving herself a complement by including herself in the Great Leg Club.  She declares this workout will give us “legs that will turn heads.” I assume, and I’m sure you do too, Loyal Reader, that Kimberly is referring to the Bond girl move where they clamp their legs around a man’s neck and snap his head off, all while looking fabulous in an evening gown. I am all in.

Naturally, we start the Warmup by writhing around on the floor. 

Kimberly and her two assistants sway with the effortless ease of goddesses, whereas I have the stiff, unsure movements of a person who’s been cooped up for six months. 

The warmup is hard to explain and even harder to do. Kimberly instructs us to swing around from pose to pose, daring us to keep up and never allowing us to be comfortable where we are. We whip from Criss-Cross Applesauce to Downward Dog, and I don’t know how she did it. Then we slam down into Pigeon Pose, at our groin’s peril. Gotta strengthen that cha-cha to face off with 007.

Meanwhile, a mysterious smile plays upon Kimberly’s lips, as elusive as Fitness itself:

The first 20 minute routine is called Heavenly Hips. This should be a brand of ice cream. There’s lots of pilé squats, hip shaking, and this move:

This reminds me of a performance art piece I attended in college, called Penis. A woman stood upright in the center, playing the shaft, and one on either side portrayed balls, making this same exact pose.  The women performed without shirts on, circumventing the “take off your top” heckling that comediennes often endure.

We end the routine with a traveling step, swinging arms and hips.

Moving on to the Lovely Legs segment.  We start off with a modified Chicken Dance:

 “Listen to your own body, go at your own pace,” Kimberly suggests. Now kick like this:

Also, this:

Now for the Cooldown. In all my years of doing workout videos so you don’t have to, I have never been able to figure out what this stretch is supposed to do:

Am I even doing it right? I feel like it’s not doing anything. Why are we here? Is there meaning in the universe? Or is it a cold, indifferent place filled with random, unconnected events? Don’t mind me, I’m trying to cut out sugar again.

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