2009, $1.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill on Colorado in Eagle Rock

First Impression: Look who’s posing like a mermaid!

Second Impression: Denise Austin wants to be part of your world.

What kind of monster would dispose of a precious gem like this without taking it out of the wrapper and using it at least once? Don’t fret, Denise Austin. You’re safe now.

We start with the Lower Body Sculpt. This requires a chair from Cost Plus while you do a pelvic tilt and “screeze” your legs together:

She lets us know this is “great for that tushie.” Ugh. Woman, why must you use one of the most vile words in the English language? A tushie is not a body part that belongs to a strong, independent woman. A tushie is something that needs to be wiped.

We transition to floor exercises and the music shifts to a Dollar Tree version of “After Midnight.” You’re gonna shake that tambourine:

Now it’s time for some Core Conditioning. The camera pulls back from Denise, and after waiting patiently for her cue, she screams, “Let’s begin our ab makeover!”

We twist at the waist with dainty hand weights. As if answering a question nobody asked, she exclaims, “Lose an inch around the waist!” 

Her expression tells me that even she doesn’t believe her claim. Neither does her helper, Secret Toni Braxton:

Now for the Upper Body Sculpt routine. “Just start with some swimming,” suggests Denise Austin, and waves around her arms. It feels like she’s making up the routine on the spot, like improvisational jazz! I’m not mad at it.

She lets us know that the backward row with weights is “really sculpting your back. No more bra overhang.” I must say, Denise Austin, your body shaming lacks subtlety. Call it something cute, like “angel wings.”

“Pump it out,” she whispers in her husky, breathy tone.

We tone up our triceps “so when you wave goodbye nothing jiggles.”   She says this twice in two minutes. You know someone made a comment once about her jiggly arms and it has haunted her ever since. Who hurt you, Denise Austin?

Not important, as she prepares to remove her face and assume her true form:

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