2013, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando
First Impression: When I remove the cellophane from this DVD case, pleasant floral perfume wafts.
Second Impression: “Sweet Honesty?”
If the DVD intro is to be believed, Denise Austin is leading this routine from a tasteful yet bland corner of her very own living room:
We start off in Plank, and Denise Austin almost immediately utters one of the most cringe-worthy words in the English language. “It’s all about that tushie here.” Nay, Milady, a tushie is a thing to be wiped!
On my first attempt at this video, this is where I gave up in disgust and went to do something else. I was not then, and am not now, in the mood for tushie baby talk.
On this, my second try, my only wish is that she would use a different word to indicate one’s hindquarters, and then, miraculously, she does. She cycles though booty, bottom half, buttocks, and cheeks. She does not say any of the following: lady lumps, badonk-adonk, or dem gainz.
Then, almost breathlessly, she urges us to “take your bottom half and make it your better half. That’s right, a tighter, firmed-up tushie!”
Now, I’m disappointed in you, Denise. We were doing so well.
Denise continues with the routine, underscoring each move with her nonstop motivational objectification. “Work that gluteus maximus, that’s what’s gonna look good in your jeans, that lifted rounded look. You’re gonna look awesome from behind. It’s the last thing that leaves the room!”
We get to Bridge pose and she quips, “now it’s really bottoms up!” I wonder how many people on set asked her to please stop saying that.
Next is a 10-minute arm toning segment. She forgets the weights at first:
Now the festival of body shaming begins. With each move, she describes which of your horrible, inexcusable flaws it will fix.
“This is one of the best exercises for the back. No more Bra Overhang.” Bra Overhang? At least come up with a cute name for it, like Bonus Knockers.
Then my cats begin to play together on my yoga mat, and I ignore the rest of the video:
“You’re strong you’re proud you’re healthy you’re happy,” concludes Denise Austin at the end of the workout. You bet!