TOCCARA’S FABULOUS WORKOUT FOR REAL-SIZED WOMEN

2014, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Fabulous! Purple! Toccara!

Second Impression: Smize! Work your angles, Booboo!

All this fabulousness is brought to you by Toccara of America’s Next Top Model:

Toccara is funny, delightful, and quotable. “I’m gonna sculpt your body down, baby!”  If we don’t have dumbbells, she instructs us to “run yourself to the kitchen and get two soup cans.”  I myself lifted soup cans for my very first review, so I know this is a fitness instructor I can relate to.

Her backup talent, two curvy beauties, have the improbable names of Dellany and Wendolee, but even more remarkable, there’s a Yorkshire Terrier on the couch behind them for the entire workout:

Occasionally the dog will get up, turn around, and settle back down again, and it gets my undivided attention. I would like more information about this puppy, please. What’s the dog’s name? Does it do tricks? Why is it wearing a dress? 

We start the cardio portion, and Toccaro insists we “wipe them haters off!”

That’s actually really good advice. Next, she teaches us how to pat our head and rub our belly at the same time:

We move on to learning a turn. “You like that, don’t you?” It’s more of a declaration than a question, and she’s not wrong. “Bam! Boom! Hit! Hit! You got it! It don’t matter if you make mistakes, as long as you stay fabulous, okay? Yes, you are fabulous, honey!”

We make it through thirty minutes of cardio, even more fabulous than when we began, and start some squats. Toccara exclaims, “You know how to push it back, Girl. Don’t play!”

We pick up our weights, or soup cans, and start some chest flies. Toccara demonstrates proper soup can technique, reminding us, “You are so fabulous, honey, and don’t let nobody tell you different.” Does she make other exercise videos? Because I need to hear this a lot more often.

Next, “we gonna work them obliques. That’s your love handles. Your love handles gonna be off the chain, baby!” We sit for Boat Pose and my kitten puts up her paws to knead my love handles, helpfully pointing out that there is still room for improvement. But do I feel fabulous? That’s for sure, Booboo!