DYNAMIC STRETCH

2010, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill on Fair Oaks in Pasadena

First Impression: It would be a stretch to call this workout dynamic.

Second Impression: I’ll show myself out.

This Dynamic Zen video production is brought to you by Buddha for girls!

Here’s another DVD from the shrink-wrapped four pack of “Cardio” enjoyment that someone gave away without opening. Our instructor, Janis Saffell, records her greeting in front of her neighbors’ privacy hedge:

Then she busts right through the shrubbery to film in front of their pool:

She’s precariously close to the water’s edge for the entire routine. This lends the workout an element of tension and danger. I’m afraid she might fall in, but… at the same time… I’m kind of hoping she does? And what if the neighbors get home early? (Bites nails)

The voice over instruction, which was recorded with all the quality of a Sea World dolphin trainer headset, features Janis’ soft, high-pitched voice. This is a very different vocal tone from the kickboxing shrieks featured in my favorite kicking-themed workout, Kick It!

It’s at this point that my glasses fall completely off my face.  Every time I get the earpieces tightened, they pinch a nerve behind my ears and give me a headache, so I have to go get them loosened again. And don’t tell me to get Lasik. Are you offering to pay for Lasik? Then absolutely do not tell me to get Lasik unless you’re going to follow that up with, “…and here’s $4,000.” And if that did actually happen, I would say “Thank you,” pocket the cash, and definitely not get Lasik because there is no way I’m going to hire a stranger to point a laser at my eye.

OK this stretch felt good:

Janis finishes up our Dynamic Stretch series with, “Let’s take a moment now to let go of everything that’s in your mind. Your thoughts, and who you are.”

Who I am? Say what now?

“Let go and find your freedom.”

From…?

The end title lets us know that this was produced and directed by Guillermo Gomez. You know, this guy: