2010, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill on Fair Oaks in Pasadena

First Impression: True story, my friend’s kid wore this outfit to the Ren Faire.

Second Impression: He got overheated and they missed the joust.

This DVD was bundled in a four-pack of workouts devised by a husband-and-wife fitness team, who aim to transform the world with watered-down martial arts!

The case containing these four “intense and engaging” workouts has a surprisingly generic title:

Yep, Cardio. I’m glad that clears it up.

This particular workout, Martial Fusion Cardio Blast, is hosted by Sensei Guillermo Gomez. We meet him in the most kickass intro ever, as he battles a Fire Elemental:

Yeah! (guitar riff)

Sporting a goatee from The Darkest Timeline, he seems rather upset that we’re disturbing him as he gets out of the shower:

He will crush our souls with the power of his gaze. But not before teaching us some Martial Fusion!

His preternatural stare seems not of this earth. And neither does the set:

No time to consider the constraints of reality. Sensei Guillermo Gomez instructs us to keep our hands up to protect our faces all the time… from what? He does not say. I dare not ask.

Especially when you stretch. Protect the face!

Then we learn how to “deal with four opponents at the same time,” by punching in a circle.  It goes without saying, but the four opponents are carbohydrates, fear, an oppressive patriarchy, and spiders.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to go really really hot,” our instructor declares, with a grimace that I imagine he thinks is a smile. Just like he practiced.  Let the kicking commence! That will intimidate our four opponents, which are of course, the Red Woman, Joffrey, the White Walkers, and Greyscale.

We do a punch with “a psychic,” but he means side-kick. No matter. We’ve got to face our four opponents, which naturally, are spoiler culture, gerrymandering, measles, and low battery power.

For his big finish, Sensei Guillermo Gomez transcends the boundaries of space and time, punching his way into another dimension!  Awesome! 

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