2009, $1.49, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there.

Second Impression: I was busy balancing my oversized head on top of my tiny body.

I’ve procrastinated on giving this workout a try, because I already have its sister workout, the Arm and Ab Booster, which makes me beg for mercy and cry for my momma. But here we are, so let’s make the best of it!

Our host is Tanya Becker, creator of the Physique 57 technique.  She takes the opportunity to wax philosophical, musing, “Why do we exercise? I’m sure you’ve asked yourself that question. Its not about getting skinny, let’s get that out of the way.”


“It’s about being healthy.”

Church!  Sing it, sister!

 “And of course, it’s about creating those long, lean, sexy dancer’s muscles that look awesome in any outfit.”  

So it really is about vanity, after all.

Now that she’s burst that bubble, she pops another. “For weights, I’m not going to tell you it’s okay to use soup cans.” Oh, dear. It appears that Tanya Becker and Miss Toccara have a fundamental difference of opinion. And so begins the Great Soup Can Divide of 2019.

We’re ready to start the workout. Tanya Becker is a fitness superhero, posing with her arms akimbo:

“I will be your guide, I will help you go further than you ever dreamed possible,”  she declares. In the name of truth, justice, and the American Way.

Fueled by the pumping music, we whip though pushups, planks, side planks, and tricep dips. “That’s your warmup!” She smirks. What? That was only the warmup? Jesus, take the wheel.

We do a barre exercise with a playground ball clenched between our knees for dear life.  “You are a thigh warrior,” Tanya Becker proclaims. I don’t have any breath left to contradict her.

We transition down to the floor:

“This is an anatomically correct split,” she points out. I politely decline.

Now we’re back up for some leg lifts that will “squeeze out cellulite.” I call shenanigans.

As we do leg lifts, Tanya Becker chants in time to the music, “No fat cells! No fat cells!” Ummm, again, I want to have a respectful discussion about the scientific merits of these claims, but I’m too out of breath to do so.

Meanwhile, from the Regrettable Hairdo Files:

I imagine the stylist was like, “Can I just make it a tad less poufy?” And the lady was like, “I’m comfortable with who I am.”

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