SHAPE ULTIMATE BIKINI BODY WORKOUT

2009 $1.49, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Get slim & sculpted – fast! And lots of other exclamation points!

Second Impression: Oh, she doesn’t look like she’s been Photoshopped at all!

Judging from the cover photo, this workout is guaranteed to stretch out your torso like a Haunted Mansion painting. I cannot wait.

I have heard so much about the Bikini Body Workout, and I’m excited to give it a try. It’s a 30 minute total-body workout, plus two 10 minute conditioning and strengthening core segments.  

The first thing I learn is that the model pictured on the front is not actually the instructor, Dominique Hall:

I’m always disappointed when fitness companies are afraid to put the folks from the video on the cover. Do they think they will sell fewer copies if the lady on the DVD case isn’t blonde, perfect, and digitally altered beyond human proportions? At any rate, I picked up this disc for half-off at a resale shop, to the original owner didn’t want to keep it anyway.

We start with some stretching, then move into football runs. This is how linebackers get ready for bikini season. Every body is a bikini body.

We alternate between cardio bursts and steppy-steppy with weights. I almost typed “wights,” which would be far scarier, but let’s be honest, running away from the undead is probably the most effective cardio workout around.

Dominique Hall is serious about fitness, and she wants you to know that You’ve Got This. Every instruction she gives is the most important thing she has ever said:

By contrast, her assistants have smirks on their faces, as if to say, Calm down, Dominique, this isn’t that hard.

We do a Dead Lift, the most delightfully morbid of all exercises. Halloween is almost here!

What I find most impressive about this workout is that it actually has an adequate cooldown at the end. Most videos do a two-minute reach-and-breathe and call it done. (Do I ever follow up with more stretching on my own? No, no, I do not.)

There’s a 10 minute bonus Ab Booster. Dominique shows off her 12-pack, which is something I will never have, because King’s Hawaiian Rolls exist. (Those delightful carb nuggets also come in a 12-pack. Coincidence…?)

Now for the bonus Butt Workout, in which we practice being superheroes:

Now, put on that bikini and head to the shore. You’ve Got This!

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