2005, $2.00, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Why is everyone obsessed with my buns?

Second Impression: “Pardon me, Ma’am, but are your buns jiggle free?”

This is another workout routine from the fitness empire The FIRM. I guess I can write whatever I want about them until the cease-and-desist letter comes.

Jiggle Free Buns is in the TransFIRMer series of workouts, so named because it incorporates two upside down cat litter boxes upon which you step up and down. All the while you maintain a cheerful, smiling demeanor so you don’t reflect on the fruitlessness of it all.

“Welcome to Jiggle Free Buns,” says the instructor without giggling, which is how I know for certain that she is an android. I notice that she and her backup FIRMers have all been spray-tanned from the same vat in the android factory. The blonde, the redhead, and the Asian lady are all a smooth, perfect, slightly jarring shade of orange. You gotta love consistency!

The routine alternates between step aerobics and step-augmented lunges with weights. I don’t have a step, nor did I wish to empty and invert my pet’s commode for the purpose of fashioning one. So I just stepped in place on my living room floor. There was this move called Hot Cross Buns that involves a steppety step, side step, cross your feet, kick to the side, raise your arms, step on down, come on up, and repeat! Whee!

Another step is called an L-step, where the android ladies move the way a knight travels on a chessboard. As for me, I executed the move the way you might jump across the highway while playing a game of Frogger. Then the instructor- let’s call her Pam, because she said her name is Pam, so Pam should do – calls out for a “half L-step.” What the hell? Not everyone is an android, Pam.

Near the end of the routine, there’s a series of Grapevine steps, which everyone knows you’re supposed to punctuate with a clap at the end. Except… none of the androids are clapping. They keep their fists planted on their hips, right where their programmer placed them. “Have fun with it,” Pam commands, but no fun is had. The androids Grapevine on tirelessly, eyes blank, as they dream of electric sheep.


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