THE FIRM FAST & FIRM SERIES: EXPRESS CARDIO

TheFirmExpressCardio

2004, $1.99, at St. Vincent De Paul, Downtown

First Impression: This is a 30 minute cardio workout that begs the question, “Do you want a better body in less time?” I feel like Sally Struthers in that 80’s trade school advert when I reply “Sure! We all do.”

Second Impression: I need a Firm Box. No, it really says on the back of the DVD case that I need a Firm Box. Sure, we all do.

It turns out this is a step aerobics video. Like the Winchester Mystery House, step aerobics features a staircase that goes nowhere. I bet they offered step aerobics to Sisyphus as an alternative punishment, and he was all, “I’m good pushing this rock up the hill, thanks, though.”

Because everything fitness has to be branded so they can charge more money for it, you can’t just use a regular step thing, you have to use the Firm Box, which retails for only a gajillian ninety five.

TheFirmExpressCardio-1

The host lady tells me to set my Firm Box to six inches. She really says that,
you guys!

The workout begins. The host lady hates me and I hate her dumb workout. It’s too fast and I can’t follow it, even though I don’t have a Firm Box and I’m just stepping in place on the floor.

I thought when I started this experiment I would do each DVD at least once, all the way through, so that I could write an accurate review. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I shut the DVD off after literally, 90 seconds, and watched an episode of Cosmos with Neil De Grasse Tyson.

Overall: My Firm Box is set to six inches.

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