HARD-BODY YOGA

2003, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Plum Puff is all grown up and ready for the bikini competition!

Second Impression: Purple Pieman and Sour Grapes are just green with envy!

The back cover for this DVD implores us to “create a long lean strong flexible body” and other adjectives not separated by commas. “A yoga mat is recommended,” as well as a spray tan, body oil, a very aggressive flatiron, and a Kleig light.

Tari Rose demonstrates this “ideal, full-body” workout with the help of her two clones, Mary and Marilyn. I wonder if the clones get along, or if they fight when they are tucked into their regeneration pod.  No matter. They’ve set the holodeck to “luxury ocean liner” and we are ready to spend the next hour getting into shape, the Hard-Body Yoga way!

This workout seems deceptively easy at first. Imagine getting in and out of yoga poses while the love child of Lisa Kudrow and Jenna Elfman counts out sets of ten reps each:

The moves are easy to follow and as soon as you get tired of one, Tari moves it along to the next exercise, aided by state-of-the-art video transitions. The nonstop counting gets kind of old after awhile, but I suggest letting yourself get distracted by the soundtrack, which hails from the special hell of licensed inoffensive sound loops. Imagine a mashup of bargain-basement Muzak with horn blasts from the Wonder Woman TV show. Depending on your point of view, this might be either brilliant, or horrible.

You know, I’m making fun of this video pretty hard, but it must be effective, because right after I finish it, I’m absolutely drained. That special kind of dead tired that extends into the next day and makes you close your eyes to rest a minute when you’re in the elevator. Did this workout give me a Hard-Body, hyphen intentional? Of course not, there was cake at work and all my efforts went down the drain. I regret nothing.