2002, $2.99, at Goodwill on Brand in Glendale
First Impression: Welcome to “Pinup Posing for Beginners.”
Second Impression: Make sure your elbow always points in the direction you’re walking, ladies!
With a pun in the title and cover design of an 80’s movie poster, Tighter Assets is a companion volume to I Want That Body! I was kind of disappointed that the DVD did not feature pastel blazers, speedboat chases, or the wisecracking humor of Eddie Murphy. It does have two identical blonde workout assistants who look like they would smoke in the bathroom and be mean to Winona Ryder.
This is an efficient 30-minute weights-and-cardio workout featuring another relic of the 80’s, the aerobic step. Fortunately, one of Tamilee’s blonde robots helpfully demonstrates the move sans step. It’s really a matter of stepping around the floor and pretending there’s a thing there. So your imagination gets a workout as well!
The back cover promises that this “DVD is enhanced with special features that lift this presentation to a new level of multimedia excellence.” This includes an interactive nutrition guide that urges you to “check with your doctor to make sure you are healthy with no medical healthy problems.” I don’t think my new insurance policy covers that, to be honest with you.
The DVD also features an unintentionally hilarious transition sequence that plays every time you click on the menu. A fast club loop plays while body parts scoot across the screen. Close up shots of abs, arms, and a bent-over butt slide around like Tetris tiles. My goodness, what tight assets. I wonder if an FBI profiler would find the imagery of anonymous, disembodied female body parts significant in any way. Fun fact: the editor who created that sequence was the kid Mikey from the Life Cereal commercial. I might have made that last part up.