DANCE OFF THE INCHES: CALORIE BLASTING PARTY

2005, $2.07, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: My Little Pony: Exercise is Magic

Second Impression: In which we learn that pink and purple can be best friends!

Well, the Calorie Blasting Party made a conga line through the Smarties candy factory and look what popped out! The host of Quick Fix Cardio Hip Hop has brought her dimples and her dance expertise to a living room that looks suspiciously like a sound stage! She has shortened her first name from Juliane to Julz, because there’s no time to waste when there are so many calories to be blasted.

Julz and her elite team of Calorie Blasting specialists pour down the stairs, eagerly anticipating the fun of a party where no food or drink is served. They take their places on the serviceable gray carpet and dance together, all facing the same direction.  There’s a row of armchairs against the wall that no one is allowed to sit upon. Not yet, anyway. That’s for later, when we pretend we’re on an airplane. All the classes are First Class!

As she teaches each move, Julz calls out to one of her backup dancers, “This one is Cat’s favorite, right Cat?”  “Oh yeah!” her minion asserts. Soon it’s apparent that all the routines are Cat’s favorite, and that all the dancers are named Cat. They don’t seem to mind being lumped together by the host. They are happy to just be invited to the party.  It can get lonely on a Saturday night, you know?

Each routine begins at Tempo 1 to give all the klutzes at home time to get used to the steps. We move through Tempo 2, and then, if you can believe it, up to Tempo 3, which is when the Calorie Blasting Party really gets going.  This is like a party in an 80’s movie! I hope the neighbors don’t call the police!

Together we work through the Cha Cha, Mambo, and some very light Funk. “Aren’t you glad you guys came over?” Julz asks, setting up a slide projector with her vacation photos.  Then one of the Cats says she has an early meeting tomorrow and they all make for the door.

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