DANCE OFF THE INCHES: TUMMY TONE PARTY ZONE!

DanceOffTheInchesTummyTonePartyZone

2006, $1.75, at Out of the Closet Superstore

First Impression: Prepare to enter a world without dullness, lethargy, or isolation.

Second Impression: A world known as… The Party Zone.

This program contains no complicated steps.

DanceOffTheInchesBACK

See? They’re forbidden.

The DVD does have a 17-minute tutorial of the ten basic steps used in the routine, like the Lazy Meringue and the Grapevine. So far, so good!

The 30-minute dance routine was pretty easy to follow. Well, I could stumble through okay, but I doubt I’d get hired to be one of her helper dancers. Speaking of which, I recognize one of them from the Hip Hop Abs video. I’ll bet Tania tells each of the instructors that they are her favorite.

During the routine, there is much discussion of Funkiness, and when and how to bring the Funk. It is announced several times that it is time to get Funky. The host will frequently inquire of her dancers whether they are suitably prepared to get Funky, and whether I, the home viewer, am also readying myself for a state of Funkiness.

This lady is about as Funky as a Disney Princess parade. She’s got the whiff of Anaheim all over her. Her stylist did assist her with a bit of accessorized Funk by giving her enormous earrings that, in the ‘90’s, I believe were referred to as “Ho Hoops.”

After the cooldown, during which we tone down the Funk, there’s a 10-minute focused ab routine. These videos always show a very quick transition between standing exercise and floor work on a mat, which they accomplish by yelling Cut and then breaking for lunch. In reality, I have to press Pause, get the mat from where it lives on top of the filing cabinet, undo the Velcro strap things, unfurl the mat, attend to the cat who comes running over and plops in the center of the mat, look at my phone, oh no, I should reply to that text, get some water, get down on the mat, press Play, and resume the workout.

It was worth it, though, because there were some ab exercises that were new to me. Having emerged safely from the Party Zone, I can report that my tummy has been toned, the Funk has been broughten, but the answer to the question “So You Think You Can Dance” is still a resounding No.

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