2009, $1.99, at Goodwill on Colorado, Eagle Rock

First Impression: Warning: Use of this video will result in the removal of your head.

Second Impression: Those abs, tho.

The equipment incorporated into this workout is a special contraption that gets pinched into your door frame while you lean back and pull on it with all your body weight.  I think if your roommate came home while you were using this, you would go flying across the room. That probably did happen to somebody at least once, which is most likely why I found this DVD in the discount bin at the thrift store.

Tony Horton is the fitness instructor guiding us through three, 10-minute segments. He is also the creator of the P90X workout, which is that thing that engaged women talk about all the time because it’s something they can do with their fiances that builds couples’ closeness, or whatever.

The middle segment, Core Cardio, features a Cardio Belt that some poor lady named Gretchen has to wear around her waist. It’s tethered to the bungee attached to the door, and serves as a metaphor for the invisible bungee we all wear, keeping us trapped in lives we wish weren’t ours.

It is my unqualified opinion that Tony Horton is certifiably bonkers.  I keep thinking, who does this guy remind me of? Oh, yeah, he’s totally Patrick Bateman from American Psycho.

What reason do I have for this unflattering opinion, you ask? I submit: a preoccupation with appearance, constantly instructing us to “Make it pretty.”

Further, an attitude of self-aggrandisement, stating, “You are about to embark upon ten perfect minutes, courtesy of moi.”Moi? Who refers to themselves as “moi,” besides Miss Piggy?

And also, living in a world of one’s own creation, as demonstrated in a move called the Dockworker’s Drill, during which Mr. Horton speaks as a dockworker would. This serves mainly to prove that Mr. Horton knows nothing about docks, or working.

And finally, he has a way of staring, wild-eyed, into the camera, exclaiming, “Whooo! Giddy-up!” Ummm, or we being cowboys now, or…

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