2005, $1.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando
First Impression: These little girls are modeling the new Secret Service uniforms.
Second Impression: I’m not even kidding.
The back cover inquires, “Do you dream of performing for thousands of screaming fans?” If you were to ask that question of anyone who works in a theme park, they would slap you in the face to bring you back to your senses. But then again, this children’s workout video is brought to you by the good people who taught you how to tap dance with a suicidal clown.
This video promises to teach “how easy it is to become a show-stopping superstar.” It takes practice, practice, practice, and that means giving up your childhood, education, friends, and sobriety. There should be a section in Special Features about pitting your Momager against your Svengali producer/husbore.
Bella takes us through some dance moves with the help of some children who are named Hip Hop One and Hip Hop Two. One of the steps is unfortunately called the Party Girl, conjuring up all sorts of unsavory connotations. A lady on a white satin tracksuit lurks in the background. Bella calls her DJ Sugar, which makes me wonder if this is really a PSA about the dangers of recreational cocaine.
As we take each dance step up to speed, the chorus of “Bella’s Breakdown” plays. A studio singer trills, “everybody do the breakdown… Bella’s breakdown…” An autobiographical song with a pop hook that’s all about being taken down by the pressures of fame – this really is an artist’s playbook!
We tie all the moves together into a routine with the help of Bella’s friend Roxy, who sounds like Peppermint Patty. This poor girl has to say the following as if she means it: “Right-o daddy-o. It’s hip, hip, hoppin’ like pop corn poppin’!” It’s a shame there isn’t an award for Most Convincing Delivery of Embarassingly Bad Dialogue.
Finally, towards the end, Bella clarifies that “being a popstar is not about fame and fortune, it’s about dancing.” Tell that to DJ Sugar. She’s spinning “White Lines” by Grandmaster Flash.