TONE IT UP!

2004, $2.75, at Out of the Closet Superstore in Glassell Park

First Impression: She looks like Jennifer Garner.

Second Impression: Poor Jennifer Garner! If she couldn’t make it work with Ben Affleck, who could?

This is exactly the kind of DVD I’ve been looking for. I used to take a one-hour Body Works class at my old gym and it had all the things you need in one hour: cardio, calisthenics with weights, stretching, abs, and some leg Pilates to finish up. This workout is a perfect replacement for that class, minus all the other students. I’m thinking specifically of you, grey-haired man who infuses the room with your very distinctive and durable B.O.

This DVD features two things to make my clock-watching heart sing: a countdown clock and a split clock. Every time we start a new move, a stopwatch sound effect beeps and you can see exactly how much longer you have to endure those side leg lifts. The hour-long workout is broken up into many little easy-to-tolerate chunks of time, and it flies by!

The host, Debbie Siebers, just radiates niceness, and even apologizes when she leads a difficult or painful move. “I know, I’m sorry,” she coos, as she demonstrates how to pat out a seized-up muscle.

One of her backup helpers is actually her sister, Judy. At one point, during a challenging arm sequence, Debbie claims this is revenge for how her sister used to torture her when they were growing up. She laughs, Judy smiles, and I’m not buying it. They both just seem too nice.

This DVD has an unexpected feature – an advertisement for a “nutritional” supplement designed to enhance your results from this workout series. An actor in a lab coat affirms its effectiveness. I think this is kind of icky.

Every few years we hear about the latest supplement that is sure to burn fat and get you back to your tween weight in no time. The active ingredient either turns out to be completely ineffective, or it’s found to cause telekinesis in laboratory rats. Either way, Dr. Oz has to testify before Congress about why he thought it was a great idea to shill it on his show. Just exercise and try not to eat like you have an extra stomach. Much simpler.