THE FIRM ULTIMATE FAT BURNING WORKOUT

FIRMUltimateFatBurning

2006, $3.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando.

First Impression: The lady on the front cover doesn’t have an upper lip.

Second Impression: That means she’s a werewolf, right? Everyone knows that.

What did they tell us back at The Slaughtered Lamb? I’ll remember eventually…

The back cover, a reliable source I’m sure, says this workout will turn me into a fat burning, sculpted work of art. Like a vintage Mercedes retrofitted to run on Biodiesel.

I fully expected this cardio routine to be too fast and complicated to follow, because of my less-than-delightful experience with The FIRM Fast & Firm Series: Express Cardio. But much to my surprise, I’m right there with the instructor, who we’ve established, is most likely a werewolf.

I’m getting it! I’m doing it! I’m even nailing the turns. It’s almost as though I know what the instructor is going to say before she says it. It’s almost as though… I’ve done this workout before? Oh.

I went back over my list, and it turns out I had done this routine before, two months ago. So it wasn’t that I picked up the choreography really fast, it was that I was remembering it. It was lodged somewhere deep in the dusty crevices of my memory, along with bits of useless trivia (Millard Fillmore!) and old locker combinations (7-37-10!)

I like the use of hand weights along with aerobic moves, and it reminds me of the Body Works class I used to take at my old gym. It was a great class except when we had a substitute who would crank up the music so loud that it hurt my ears even when I was wearing earplugs. Are you listening, Old Gym? Stop sending me your Rejoin For Free emails. I guess they can’t hear me because the music’s too loud.

One of the moves in this video involves a side-step along with pumping hand weights, arms akimbo. The werewolf lady says this is called “four-limbed movement,” which is a signature of FIRM workouts. Let’s see, what are some other examples of four-limbed movement? Running through the woods away from a werewolf, tripping over some underbrush, begging for your life as the werewolf bears down upon you…

Oh yeah! Now I remember what they told us back at The Slaughtered Lamb. “Stay on the path!”

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