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DANCE TODAY! FLAMENCO

2006, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: “When life becomes a bit too predictable and the routine drains you of excitement…”

Second Impression: “…it’s time to let the magic of dance carry you beyond your current horizons.”

Wow, this video thinks rather highly of itself. According to the cover, it’s also guaranteed to help you…

That’s a lot to expect from a used DVD that cost $2.99. But real talk, you guys. I have tried to review this DVD two or three other times, and with each instance I’ve had to stop because I am so unbelievably bored. Perhaps I simply lack the discipline and focus to transform my life through the power of dance. So as a Christmas present that you never asked for, I will push through this 120-minute lesson so you won’t have to. Let’s do this!

There’s an 11 minute introduction from a lady who obviously dwells in the forest in a structure made of candy:

The first dance, Gypsy Tango, originated in Spain. It’s performed without a partner in a circled-up group. It traditionally takes all night, or sometimes all weekend to complete this dance. All weekend? I haven’t even watched The Mandalorian yet! I decide to push through so I won’t have to do this video ever again.

Now comes the part where I completely lose my patience because when the instructor says left or right, she means her left or right. So if we use her as a mirror, we’re learning the dance backwards. It bothers me so much when dance videos do this. I put the thing on Fast-o-Vision because I can’t sit through a backwards explanation of 11 combinations like this. I have holiday gifts to wrap. Lumps of coal for everyone!

The next dance is called Farruca, which is part of modern Flamenco dance. I, um, fast forward through this lesson also.  Occasionally, I play it at a normal speed, and this is what I learned.

You need to run onstage and have a fierce look forward:

Be aware of the emergency exits:

And finally, when you clap, leave your pinky out of it:

 It makes it loud enough to scare away Krampus!  Happy Holidays, everyone!