2010, $1.99, at Goodwill Bookstore in Montrose

First Impression: She’s the Lesley Knope of fitness…

Second Impression: …by way of Eagleton.

Mari Winsor is back with her unusually spelled name and her ability to make everything awkward. There’s four 15-minute workouts, so let’s get Pilaticized!

During the Intro, Mari Winsor asserts, “This workout is the perfect way to burn fat,” and I am already calling shenanigans. Every Pilates instructor I ever had in the meat world told us that we were fools, fools to expect Pilates to burn fat, and we would have to add something else for cardio.

In that case, it’s fortunate that our first workout is Cardio Burn. And look who’s getting involved right at the top!

Such a helpful Diva Gremlin Princess.

Mari Winsor introduces us to a little something called a Step-Touch. Did you know back in the day, she was a dancer in the Thriller video? Now she smiles through her confusion like a happy grandma and looks at her helpers as if she doesn’t know where she is.

She messes up her choreography and makes a face:

But one second later, she’s got her sparkle back, baby!

Now for the Flat Abs Blast. Do you like pumping your arms? Do you like doing it about a hundred times while making a silly “shhhh” sound with your breathing? Well, lucky for you, this session begins with a classic Hundred. My little cat made muffins on my stomach the whole time to keep me accountable.

Mari Winsor calls for  “Bob Fosse jazz hands” and we must obey:

Now it’s time for the Butt And Thigh Sculptor. “After this workout, you will be defying gravity,” claims Mari Winsor, which is simply her way of letting us know that the shrooms are kicking in.

We start with Bridge Pose variations, at which point the Diva Gremlin Princess climbs back onto my stomach for more muffin-making, and stays there throughout a series of 30 Butt Raises. I am impressed with her stamina.

Meanwhile, if you’ve ever thought, “I couldn’t possibly rock a pompadour and a ponytail,” think again. Look to this beauty for inspiration:

Oh, we girls have such fun together.

Lastly, we’ve arrived at the Total Body Transplant, I mean… Makeover.

One of the first things that happens in this segment is that the DVD glitches and won’t play any more. Oh, dear. I guess I’ll have to stick with the body I already have.

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