2010, $.99, at LA Road Thrift Store
First Impression: A Ninja Yoga video? Yessssss!
Second Impression: (Pulls knife from hair and throws it, disappears in a puff of smoke. Namaste.)
I haven’t been this excited to try a new exercise program in a long time. All I know is, this workout better have dragons, and ninjas, and bodies, and some yoga in it, or I’m gonna be really upset! So put on your black pajamas and step to the mat, because it is on!
Our instructor greets us in a handheld camera shot that tries it’s best to hold still, but can’t help moving ever so slightly. A tripod wasn’t included in the camera rental, and like hell were they going to pay out another fifty dollars! The studio has vinyl decals on the wall to make it look like a rustic wooden cabin. You know, typical ninja hideout stuff.
Our first position is Sitting.
Our instructor tells us, “This position will help your spine to have a platform.” So I can leap down and startle my enemies, of course. Tight.
Check out the sick tatt on one of the students! The three bands must, of course, signify how many times she’s ridden a dragon. Speaking of dragons, isn’t one supposed to be showing up right about now?
As if in reply, we make an Energy Gate with our fingertips:
That’s the gate the dragon comes out of, right? Cool, I’m ready!
But first, a Pelvic Girdle Realignment:
Oh, so we can ride on the dragon when it shows up. Cool, cool. Any minute now.
Note the traditional Downward Dragon position. Dragon behaviorists have observed this is the stance dragons take to indicate playfulness.
Now we kneel on our own wrists, known as Trampled By A Dragon:
Suddenly, the dragon appears. I am ready. So fierce! Such fiery eyes! Such sharp and dangerous claws!
The dragon draws close. It opens its mighty jaws, exhaling its hot breath upon my face. It smells vaguely of fish. I am worthy.