CHAIR AEROBICS FOR EVERYONE: CHAIR YOGA

First Impression: Chair Yoga?

Second Impression: Yes. Chair Yoga.

The DVD menu is underscored by synthesizer music that is inexplicably angelic. The chorus of angels will escort you off to the pranayama breathing of the Promised Land.

I click on the introduction and am immediately startled by the 60’s sci-fi echoey transitional sound effect that conveys neither yoga nor relaxation. It almost scares me right out of my chair. There, I said it.

In her intro, which is delivered while sitting down, instructor Heather Garrell lets us know this routine is designed for people who are inflexible. I assume she means emotionally, and I feel personally targeted by this remark.

If I had to hazard a guess, I would surmise that Heather’s mom is a realtor and this house has been staged. She’s just filming real quick in between open houses:

That plant is totally fake.

The warm up is accompanied by piano music filled with emotion and pathos. I really hope they pan over and show the pianist in the next room, but that doesn’t happen. Another reliable disappointment. Suddenly, the music is infused with a Vangelis-y sort of space seagull noise. Speaking of which, how have I not watched the new Blade Runner movie yet? I would rather be doing that right now.

We do a gentle neck stretch and Heather comments, “That was pretty easy.” Okay, fancy lady. Then suddenly, her voice goes out of sync with her mouth, and it freaks me out:

The warmup is over, signaled by another piercing sci-fi noise. Hold onto your seats, and I mean literally. Heather Garrell shows us how to lift up both our knees while sitting: 

This is actually really difficult. I feel a sudden respect for the instructor, who I now realize resembles Tara from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

The final pose demonstrates a great way to irritate everyone in your row, should you decide to try out this routine on an airplane:

Then her realtor mom shows up at the front door to show the house to some clients. Mrs. Garrell coughs loudly and “accidentally” drops her keys, giving Heather time to run out the back door with her camera crew. 

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