BEGINNER’S YOGA FOR STRESS RELIEF

2012, $1.49, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression:  Fake Justine Bateman implores you to relax.

Second Impression: Also, watch her new sitcom “Downward Dog” Thursdays on NBC.

Spoiler! Fake Justine Bateman doesn’t actually appear anywhere in this video. Look! Here’s a quote from the back cover!

“This beginner’s practice promotes strength and flexibility while allowing you to reach a peaceful, inner calm despite the crazy world around you.”  

Was this written by a time traveler from 2018? Too bad it’s not very accurate. There are two workouts on this DVD and I can’t rightly say that I feel less stressed for having done them.

We start with Stress Relief Yoga for Beginners, which features Suzanne Deason, who you might recall from a previous review, does not pull punches on the body shaming. I’m going to be a better person and and refrain from commenting on her pink onesie unitard with its unfortunate… ah… “front wedgie.” Nor will I post a picture of it, because I am a lady. Your move, Suzanne.

I can’t imagine how stress relief yoga can be properly performed on a beach with waves crashing dangerously near the instructor’s yoga mat. Wow, it sure is hard to relax with the palpable fear of drowning growing by the minute.

Never you mind. Let’s give Flexibility For Beginners with Patricia Walden a try. Have you ever wanted to do yoga while trapped inside a fallopian tube? Well, if that’s the sort of thing you like, then you’re in for a treat!

This routine is accompanied by the soundtrack from a Hallmark movie about a young teacher falling in love in 1890’s San Francisco. Far more damaging is a series of poses that require you to sit with your leg folded up backwards next to you. Apparently, “Hero’s Forward Bend” is code for “ACL Surgery Pending.”

If you need to alleviate stress, I suggest you turn off this video and employ any of the commonly recommended methods: browsing for real estate you can’t afford, researching unsolved crimes, or gossiping about common enemies. If all else fails, look at pictures of kittens online.