GILAD

1987, $1.49, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Gilad couldn’t see The Lady In Pink. 

Second Impression:  But somehow, he always felt her presence just beyond his vision.

Journey with me now back to 1987 Hawaii, land of beach fitness. Where your leotard was incomplete without a contrasting belt: 

Where your Reeboks were fastened with two straps of Velcro, to make double sure. Where your outdoor workout was supervised by a parrot: 

This green Macau remains, vigilant and attentive, for the duration of the one-hour aerobic workout. It’s his rightful place. You’ll notice that his has his own perch set up for him. But why is this necessary? The answer is clear. The woman next to him is obviously a witch, and she and this majestic bird share a soul. When she feels pain, he weeps. His tears are bottled and kept as treasures, for they have healing properties.

Neither host Gilad nor his athletic supporters seem to notice or comment on the presence of the winged creature, which proves that only the woman can see him. No matter. We’re in the capable hands of Gilad, professional goofball and poor man’s David Hasselhoff:

Gilad’s intro video features shots of him doing many, manly, outdoor activities, slickly edited with Miami Vice-style electronic drums. In the two most impressive clips, he kicks a soccer ball towards a goal and then, as the goalie, catches it in a perfect save! Let’s see David Beckham try that.

Gilad leads us through a thorough, all-around low impact session of stretching, arm work (without hand weights), aerobics, ab work, and a cool down. Thank goodness the aerobic section is introduced by a erupting volcano:

As we work through the routine, Gilad advises us to set our feet down as if you we are stepping on broken glass. This might seem rather ghoulish as first, but what is beach sand but tiny bits of pre-glass? 

Gilad dispenses odd-sounding advice as if it were Pez, such as “never make a contract with your mind that your body cannot meet.” When he says “my heart is beating fast,” he places his hand directly upon his spleen. The parrot doesn’t seem to mind.