HATHA & FLOW YOGA FOR BEGINNERS

2011, $2.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: “This, to me, is the saddest and loveliest landscape in the world.”

Second Impression: “It is here that the Little Prince appeared on Earth and disappeared.”

This is my 164th review of a used exercise DVD from the thrift store, so it may not surprise you that I have already reviewed several videos shot in this same Malibu oceanside location. What a relief to find it’s exactly the way I left it, including that trumpet-shaped metal object, which may or may not be an IKEA lamp, poking out of the pathway down to the sea.

This time, I don’t find that chingadera distracting at all, because the instructor, Tamal Dodge, has my undivided attention. He has the flowing, wavy locks and softly-featured, perfectly symmetrical face of an video game avatar:

Also:

Tamal lets us know that he was born on a yoga ashram in Hawaii. (You’re in a cult, call your dad.) His voice sounds exactly as you would imagine; like a warm, soothing cup of decaffeinated tea that will rid your body of free radicals and stress. What monster gave away this DVD?

When we get to the workout, my future ex-husband wears his long, beautiful hair in a ponytail sectioned off by a series of hairbands, like an eight-year old girl. I imagine French braiding each other’s hair while talking about our day. I’m sure he would manage to work “exhale” into the conversation, because he knows it makes me giggle every time her pronounces it “eggs-hale.”

At this point, my cat becomes rather jealous of my devotion to Tamal Dodge and plunks himself in the middle of my yoga mat for some very cute loaf poses. I work my chauterangas around him because he is my feline overlord.

I wish that all home yoga routines were taught by this angelic specimen of a man, who lulls you into a mediative state while challenging your balance and flexibility. Why don’t I have more of his DVDs? Ah yes, because of the restraining order, which should go into effect right about

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