2001, $2.99, at Goodwill on Brand in Glendale

First Impression: I can see my house from here!

Second Impression: My kids are throwing a party!

The back cover of this DVD demands that you “lift your spirit and redefine your body for good” with this collection of yoga and sculpting routines. Prominently featured in the set design is a logo of the host’s initials, arranged like an algebra symbol.

Enigmatic, unsolvable, much like the mystery of fitness itself.

Mystical drumbeats play over the Core Essentials intro as Karen Voight, a bizarro Geena Davis, pointlessly swings her arms around in front of panels clearly poached from a model kit of the Millennium Falcon.

Karen wears the same gigantic microphone headset that I used to wear when, clad in  inevitable khakis, I would teach roomfuls of overheated theme park guests all about the magic of see-gee-eye.

This routine features a twisting lunge-with-knee-lift sequence so frustratingly hard to follow, I didn’t bother to hit pause when I left the room to get a drink of water.

When we get to the Yoga Sculpt routine, it seems as if Karen has died and gone to yoga heaven. She’s waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to call her name.

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