2007, $2.99, at Goodwill on Colorado in Eagle Rock

First Impression: Hannibal Lecter on holiday…

Second Impression: dreaming of fava beans and a nice chianti.

Simon Low has a posh British accent that would have put him right at home in the Harry Potter movies. But instead of whipping up whimsical charms or finding ways to combat Death Eaters, Simon Low uses his powers to bore us to tears.

This video is Yin and Yang, baby. Masculine and feminine, stillness and movement, Republican and Democrat, Sith and Jedi, the Prodigal Son and the Reverend Moon.

Simon, in his floppy haircut that resembles a thatched English country roof, takes to the beach to demonstrate his Yin Yang, right out there in the open.

I did the Yin routine first. It only features a handful of postures despite its 60 minute length. Each posture is held for a very long time, which provides an ample opportunity for me to make a list in my head of all the other things I would prefer to do. Such as, any other exercise video. There’s lots of curling back over a pillow with your leg at a weird angle and being told to relax, despite the fact that the pose is inherently not the way your body bends. The practice is meant to be healing and restorative and when it’s over, my back really hurts.

Since I didn’t care for the Yin routine, I thought the Yang routine would be more my speed. Um, nope. It’s basically the same six moves looped over and over again. It’s the serpent that eats its own tail. Or the New Age equivalent of The Song That Never Ends.

Around and around we go. Each time Simon Low directs us to spin our arms “anti-clockwise,” I truly wish he would say “widdershins.” I need something to break up the monotony. Throw me a bone, Simon.

When the routine is mercifully over, I see that this DVD has a feature where you can loop the Yin sequence an infinite number of times. I cannot imagine that there is a person alive who would willingly click on that button.

I have concluded that I am neither Yin nor Yang. I’m more like those two little dots swirling in the center like, “I’ll stay here, thanks, I’m good.”

Comments are closed.