2012, $1.00, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando
First Impression: Body-Sculpt your way through the Free City of Braavos with Arya Stark.
Second Impression: For the night is dark, and full of terrors.
I click on the intro, and Coach Nicole delivers her lines like she’s in a middle school play. It’s actually quite charming. She matches her gestures and words with razor sharp precision.
“If (pointing) you’re looking for a fun way to lose weight and tone up, then (hand on hip) this program is for you.”
“Are you ready to sizzle away fat (other hand on hip) and sculpt a lean, toned, body?
Also, “sizzle away fat” sounds like instructions from Julia Child. Great, now I’m hungry.
Coach Nicole leads the routine on a set that really wants to be a kooky Village loft from a 90’s sitcom. The walls are decorated with Subway signs. (Transport, not sandwich.)
“Wow, can you believe we can afford this place on our paltry salaries? We must be illegally subletting or something. Now let’s go have a meet-cute on the Warner Brothers backlot!” And as in the 90’s sitcom vision of NYC, this world only has white people.
The host and her two helpers look like triplets. Helpfully, one has a low ponytail, one has a high ponytail, and one has a bun. They all wear yoga Capri pants with a little notch on the hem that looks like a cloven hoof.
After a short warmup, there’s a ballet inspired segment. Shoes are optional, but you will need a $400 chair made of reclaimed wood for balance.
We go to the fat burning segment, and once again Coach Nicole asks if I am ready. When people keep asking if you’re ready, it means they aren’t ready, okay?
At this point my House Panther gets involved with the routine by knocking a Tupperware of rice off the kitchen counter. Then he gets completely underfoot during the plank series. It’s as if he knows how boring this DVD is. He works his way under my yoga blanket, then roams around the living room like a little kid being a Halloween ghost