JAMZ CHEER CAMP IN A BOX

2011, $2.00, at Out of the Closet Superstore in Glassell Park

First Impression: They made Volumes I through XIV before this one.

Second Impression: The XVth time’s the charm!

If I were a Cheer Mom, I would squeal with delight and knock over a stroller full of triplets to snatch the last copy of this DVD from the shelf. Sidebar: I once saw a guest at a theme park with “Cheer Mom” embroidered on her custom Juicy velour jacket… and a carefully maintained face twisted into a perpetually displeased puss. If I am any judge of facial expressions, she is a person whose inner life is a tapestry of entitlement, disappointment, and regret. Her pretty daughters wore t-shirts that said, “You Can’t Sit With Us.”

This DVD is structured exactly like a cheerleading tutorial should be. There’s a series of layered menus to help you pick out the move you want to learn. You choose between Youth and High School routines. Then, there’s a list of moves with fun names like Hey Ladiez, Shoez, Numberz, and Beatz. You pick one, and then you choose your level: Novice, Beginner, Intermediate, Advanced, and Elite.

A crew of Clearasil-scrubbed cheerios perform the choreography for you, with a small window in the corner of your screen showing you how it looks from the side. Then, they break it down into counts of eight as they show you how it looks from the back.

The moves are so clean and perfectly executed, I really wonder what drew these young people to focus all their energy on this particular activity instead of say, spelling. Putting a Z on the end of a word doesn’t make it plural. But what do I know? Maybe it doez.

The Behind-The-Scenez reel is a montage of delightful, quirky momentz. An instructor messez up the choreography and, driven to her absolute limit, exclaimz, “Oh, sugar!” Someone munchez on a Togo’z sandwich! Someone else flopz on the floor to indicate how tired they are! The people looking at the monitor laugh for no apparent reason! Also, one of the dudez getz his track pantz duck-taped to his waizt. Were they falling down? Did he forget what a drawstring doez? Such shenaniganz. Oh, what fun we have here on Volume XV.

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