ANATOMY OF FITNESS: CORE

2012, $2.00, at Out of the Closet Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Is this like, Gray’s Anatomy?

Second Impression: Someone once asked me if the TV drama was based on the medical textbook. I told them “Yes.”

The DVD menu features an inoffensive rock riff that sounds like it was recorded by the most generic bar band ever. What should they be called? Three Chord Beer? Payday Party? The Tallboys?

The exercises are demonstrated by a frighteningly buffed-up dude who has had all his body hair removed, except for his hipster beard. He stares into the middle distance with tiny, lifeless marble eyes. Occasionally, a nice thin blonde lady will show us a plank or something. Unlike Mr. Glassy Eyes, she doesn’t look like she spends 20 hours a day in a gymnatorium, replacing meal-replacement shakes with even more nutritionally dense shakes.

This unlikely duo demonstrates the exercises on top of a trendy, honeycomb-patterned throw rug. I’m guessing this was shot in a living room of a new condo’s model unit after the conclusion of Open House Hours. Who actually has a bowl full of those wicker balls on top of their credenza? What the hell is a credenza? I do like the exposed brick walls, though. Cozy. Is parking included?

I tried to work out to this DVD twice, and I gave up both times. You can’t do a routine if there isn’t actually a routine. There’s an intro that explains each move, but when you play the workout track, it just plays the explanations over again, with a voice-over telling you to “work up to ten reps,” or whatever. This semi-DIY approach to creating a routine is so half-assed. I guess they expect you to hit pause after you move on to each new exercise. If most of the workout happens without an instructor guiding me, why do I need the DVD at all? This is the exercise equivalent of those restaurants where you cook your own food on a hot rock at your table. I’m at a restaurant! If I wanted to cook my own dinner, I could pour cereal into a bowl all by myself, thank you very much.

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