TOTAL YOGA: THE FLOW SERIES

totalyogatheflowseries

2013, $2.00 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Out of the Closet in Eagle Rock

First Impression: The cover model is facing away from us.

Second Impression: Which means six more weeks of winter.

This DVD begins with a startlingly loud burst of static before the intro plays. I fully anticipate that the undead Ring girl will step out of my television and drip nasty well water all over my clean hardwood floor. But life is full of small disappointments.

Instead, we go on a vision quest with Tracey and Ganga, who claim to have 60 years yoga teaching experience between them. They both look about 30 years old, so perhaps they were born doing the Happy Baby Pose (see what I did there?)

New Age music sweeps us away to a land of peace and contentment. We journey to the mindscape of Tracey and Ganga, with fluffy clouds in the distance. The instructors are positioned on a round wooden platform that represents the elemental plane. When the voice-over instruction begins, the otherworldly ambience is shattered. No soft, breathy, soothing yoga voice here. This is the hard, flat, twangy school, and ya’ll better saddle up, Buttercup, and get to some Ujjayi Breathin’.

Instead of resting in Child’s Pose, the instructors call it Embryo, which I find a little too visceral. Then I recall that the instructors conducted their first yoga workshops in the birthing center where they came into this world, leading the doulas in a Salute to the Sun before the cord was even cut.

There are three complete routines on this disc: Earth, Water, and Fire. I was really hoping they would get cute and theme their outfits to the elements, but the only one that truly satisfies this for me is Water. Tracey’s in a shiny blue and silver outfit that would befit Ming the Merciless. Way to step it up, Tracey!

These routines are all about an hour long, but I have to skip the sections where they do poses up against the wall. I am like most people in that there is no spare piece of empty wall in my apartment reserved for yoga-doing. The walls are spoken for. The walls are hidden behind a vast network of unicorn wall hangings, articulated skeletons, cat shrines, and, as you might expect, a portal to Narnia.

 

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