2003, $1.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: This looks like an awesome horror movie.

Second Impression: The Final Girl has the deadliest butt of all!

The instructors of the Trainer’s Edge Series are “the trendsetters and the source of what is new and innovative in fitness today.” I am so excited to learn about trendsetting fitness innovations. These new innovative fitness trends turn out to be squats, lunges, pliés, and leg lifts. With optional hand weights. I am not underwhelmed, and I am certainly not overwhelmed. I am simply whelmed.

There is a bonus 10 minute Killer Abs and Back routine under the special features. The instructor is a guy with cornrows and an eye patch. Abs taught by a pirate? Hell, yes. He gave out a few clues as to where the Captain’s gold is buried, so wish me luck!

There may be some of you that think I’m funnin’ when I claim that the Abs routine is taught by a pirate. I am telling you, this dude had an eye patch and everything. He wears the patch on the side of his head that faces towards camera, so when he “looks” at the camera, he’s just presenting the eye patch.

And yet… the most interesting thing about this DVD is the unwanted exchange I had with Zandro Z., the Goodwill cashier who rang up my purchase.

“I like what it says,” he proclaimed, holding up the DVD so I wouldn’t mistake his meaning.

I blinked.

“Killer Butt,” he clarified. “Except, I don’t think hers is that great.”

I put on my sunglasses. You, sir, are not a gentleman.

Zandro Z., who, by the looks of him, may be related to both William Hung and the Pillsbury Doughboy, is not in a position to criticize anyone’s appearance.

I bought three different fitness DVDs at the Goodwill that day, and after Zandro Z. handed me the bag he said, “Prepare to be sore.” It sounded like a threat.

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