TRUE FORM: THE DANCE WORKOUT STARRING LISA MARIE

2014, $2.99, at Goodwill on Brand, in Glendale

First Impression: Friendship is magic.

Second Impression: And Gem is truly outrageous.

This workout can be performed with or without the True Form bands. The getup kind of resembles a chastity belt made out of bungee cords attached to your beribboned sneakers, all held on with a zip tie and a fanny pack. You should absolutely strap this on before you go to dance class. I’m sure no one will make fun of you at all. Nope. Definitely not.

I wasn’t kidding about the zip tie. In the demonstration segment, one of the backup dancers walks us through the couldn’t-be-simpler, five-step process of putting on this pelvis-to-instep torture device. The final touch involves crimping the bungees with a zip tie to keep the tension even between both feet. Only then are you ready to learn to Samba the True Form way!

Now that I think about it, the design of this equipment was surely modeled on the old sanitary napkin belts that women used to wear before some beautiful person thought of using adhesive so the pads could stick directly to your underpanties.

If you’re a man, are you still reading? I’m asking because whenever we ladies are gossiping at work, and a man walks by, we switch to such topics as, “That’s why I like the Jumbo tampons; they’re way more absorbent.” It works like a charm. They don’t wanna know! Similarly effective: any mention of breast pumping and the equipment needed thereof.

As luck would have it, exercise equipment gets sold separately from instructional DVD’s at thrift stores. I missed out on the True Form bungee, belt, and shoe set, oh fiddlesticks!

The five dance routines are all short and sweet, and difficult enough without the addition of this ungodly contraption. I can’t even imagine how intolerable the workout would be if there were giant rubber bands strapped to the lower half of my body.

I would very much like to hear from anyone who has purchased and used this exercise system. I’m curious to know what your experience has been. Your comments are extremely welcome!