CARDIO CORE! EXPRESS

CardioCoreExpress

2007, $1.99, at Goodwill on Colorado, Eagle Rock

First Impression: Oh hello! I didn’t see you there.

Second Impression: I was just letting my perfectly tousled hair fall over my shoulders whilst exercising.

There’s something not quite real about the set of this exercise video. Everything is… just so. There’s a bench where no one’s allowed to sit, upon which are placed a neat pyramid of six rolled-up towels. Four of the towels are yellow, and two are red. An identical towel-bench arrangement is Feng Shui’d on the other side of the room. What fearful symmetry.

A few exercises in, I realize the windows of the room are not real. By that I mean, they’re not even trying to look like movie-set windows, with fake trees and a backdrop on the other side. They are just flat panels with trim around them.

The biggest window resembles the screen on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

I look around the rest of the set. All of the wood and stone textures look so convincing, and then when you look at them too closely, they are too convincing. Too perfect to be found in nature.

And that’s when I realize that this routine was filmed in a holodeck.

Skeptical, Spock? I submit to you this evidence:

 

CardioCoreExpressBACK

Behold! Looking at their fitness gear colors, you can plainly see one Commander, one Science Officer, and one Green Lady.

Evidently, the Federation is responding to feedback asking for some Wellness Initiatives. You can’t have your team getting soft around the edges. I mean, those uniforms are just unforgiving. And what a great way for the crew to alleviate some stress in between Klingon attacks. Well done, Starfleet Academy. Live long, and prosper.

 

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