2006, $2.99, at Goodwill on Colorado in Eagle Rock
First Impression: An SNL writer would describe her hair as “a soft waterfall in front, and knives in the back.”
Second Impression: A mock turtleneck leotard? Now I can be overheated and feel like I’m being choked!
On the first track on this DVD, Teresa Tapp discusses several different body types as determined by rib to hip distance, and hip to knee/knee to ankle ratios. She has a convoluted way of explaining things, and I have to run everything she says through a translator in my head before it makes any sense. It’s like when the boss at your temp job says, “See this button send on the fax? It’s because the paper is in the cabinet. Also, today there’s cake.” And you’re like, “Oh… kay.”
Teresa explains that if you if you have a shorter torso, there is less room for your internal organs, and therefore harder to have a flat stomach. She then points out, using a frumpy grandma, all the places you will store unwanted fat with this body type.
This is just mean. This sweet old lady is trying to get fit, and probably gets paid to be in the damn video with a Subway sandwich and a bag of chips, and this incoherent Skipper doll is saying things like, “See how much flatter my stomach is than hers?” She makes sure we know that at age 45, her waist measurement is only 24 inches. Whoop-de-freakin-do.
After she humiliates a representative from each body type by pointing out their “third bun” or back fat, aren’t you excited to discover this cutting-edge fitness program? You should be excited, because the workout is performed in a ballroom decorated with the same madness-inducing carpet as the Overlook Hotel in The Shining.
The routine is basically a series of calisthenic bends and arm movements. There is absolutely no music accompanying the workout, which only serves to emphasize the awkwardness of the instruction. Teresa Tapp chants out, “tuck buns, knees out, keep the shoulders back” in the same cadence that one might recite, “Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town. Upstairs, downstairs, in his nightgown.” Never have I more fervently wished for Lawrence Welk, William Hung, Rebecca Black, anyone to fill the silent emptiness.