WORKOUT: ONE-ON-ONE TRAINING WITH JACKIE

2007, $1.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: You too can look like Pris from Blade Runner.

Second Impression: Those shorts, tho.

This is the at-home version of a personal workout “that commands up to $400 per hour at the famed Beverly Hills penthouse gym Skysport and Spa.” So, an hour of personal training would cost you a minimum-wage worker’s weekly pay. Something is wrong with America.

But not to fret, because I got this video for $1.99 at Goodwill and I will share all its secrets for free!

There are three 20-minute routines on the disc: Upper Body, Lower Body, and Core, each with its own warmup and cooldown. The theory behind each workout is to keep moving, alternating between weight training and cardio activities.

Jackie Warner is also the star of a Bravo reality show, Work Out, which documents her life as a Trainer to the Stars. I am only aware of this because of the promo that plays before the session. Because it’s a reality show, her entwined work and private life is portrayed as a vortex of dysfunction. An employee yells at Jackie that he wants her to fire him, and in couples therapy, Jackie snaps at her girlfriend, “don’t touch me right now.”

Once we get to the workout, four of Jackie Warner’s super-hot minions help demonstrate each exercise: Jesse, Anjolina, Rebecca, and Renessa. I still have a hard time telling apart Rebecca and Renessa. I think Rebecca is the one with the second bra under her bra top, with clear plastic straps. The straps are meant to be invisible, but on camera it appears that she’s wearing strips of cellophane on her shoulders. It’s a look.

Jackie has one of her trainers demonstrate an exercise, and then rest over to the side as she rotates in someone else. During their downtime, as they sit on Pilates balls and zone out, sometimes they don’t know the camera is on them and they let themselves slouch a little bit. Turns out, even seemingly perfect specimens have a “sitting down pootch” that appears when they forget to suck it in for the camera. It gives hope to the rest of us.