SKINNY BITCH FITNESS: BOOT CAMP

SkinnyBitchBootCamp

2008, 99 cents, at American Way Thrift Store in Burbank

First Impression: Rude.

Second Impression: The back cover asks me if I’m “sick and tired of being fat.” The word “fat” is in a chubby font. Further down it says “No judgments.”

Where do I begin? I’ll say right off the bat that I don’t think women should be calling each other bitches. Men have enough bad words for us without us contributing to the negativity.

If you go around calling people nasty names, it means you need a bigger vocabulary. When someone calls a woman a “bitch” is usually means they’re upset that she’s not catering to their ego. Our two hosts define “skinny bitch,” they explain several times, as a women who eats right, exercises, and loves herself.

I’m not buying it. Loving yourself, ladies, includes not letting a couple of dead-eyed, discount fitness instructors address you by a toxic pejorative.

The two hosts brag that they are not fitness experts or professional fitness instructors. Yes, that is evident. They are unable to explain proper form for any of the exercises, because they can’t maintain proper form themselves. “Control your weights, don’t just swing them around,” they say, as they flail their weights like pep squad pompoms.

In fact, the hosts are a former talent agent and model, who wrote a series of cookbooks, and then did these exercise videos to capitalize on their brand. It’s fairly obvious that they don’t want to do this video. There’s two separate intro tracks of them insulting their viewers, calling us fat bitches and telling us to stop eating shitty food.

Then, when the workout begins, it doesn’t really begin. There’s a lot of stalling, as the hosts sing-song with their bland intonation, “Okay… here we go… are you ready… it’s butt-kicking time… you asked for it… it’s gonna hurt… but you’ll thank us later… okay… we’re gonna get started now… here we go…”

One of the hosts also feels compelled to discuss her breast size with us. I just can’t even. If she’s so okay with her breast size, why bring it up at all? No one cares. In fact, at this point the home viewer is screaming at the TV, “Just start the workout already!”

And, I’m sorry to burst the Skinny Bitch bubble, but there are more effective routines out there with more competent instructors. So for all the big talk and edgy language, it’s really just a waste of the viewers’ time.

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