Tag Archives: yoga

YOGA FOR GETTING WELL

2004, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!) at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Yogi Marlon is back! Did you miss her?

Second Impression: Me neither!

Loyal Readers, as you know, after my wisdom tooth removal I took some time to rest and recover. So what better workout than this aptly titled gem?

We are back with Yogi Marlon, broadcasting as always from inside her blanket fort.

A million years ago, I worked at a theme park, and the summer crowds were getting to us. So we did what any rational, mature people would do, and built a fort in the middle of the women’s dressing room. It had turrets decorated with foam wig stands and everything.

Meanwhile, in Fort Marlon, we’ve got three, 26-minute sessions to get through. Let’s start with Yoga Therapy 1. Yogi Marlon introduces the lesson in her trademark pause-filled style. Sometimes when a speaker pauses a lot, they have you hanging on their every word. In this case, I’m getting restless and fidgety. Maybe that means I’m not “yoga” enough, but we’ve known that for awhile, haven’t we?

Let’s try something fun. Let’s see if you can spot our instructor’s mic pack in the next photo.

Did you see it? Wow, you are observant. A regular Sherlock.

Next, we stimulate our pancreas by shooting an arrow with our foot.

And what’s that in your holiday stocking? A doctor’s referral to a knee surgeon? Must have been this attempt at Fish Posture!

Now for Yoga Therapy 2!

“A slight smile upon the lips lifts the palate and allows more air to flow,” recommends Yogi Marlon.  Great. Now even she’s telling me I need to smile.

This routine feels very familiar, and not in a good way.  We go through a series of poses that is almost identical to the first sequence. With three workouts on one disc, I was hoping for poses that focus on different areas of the body, or something. Perhaps, as with Holiday 2020 Big Feelings, I’d better adjust my expectations.

We work on a shoulder stand, and Yogi Marlon assures us that if you feel shaking while in the pose it is only… what sounds like some scara or “emotional blockages escaping the body.” Because it couldn’t just be your muscles working in an unfamiliar way, could it? It has to be something woo. She’s the one in the blanket fort, so what do I know?

The disc starts glitching, so I have to skip the last ten minutes of the workout, oh noooo…

Congratulations! We’ve made it to Yoga Therapy 3. 

Yogi Marlon demonstrates proper breathing technique as she traces a finger up and down the front of her body in a manner that could only be described as seductive, yet awkward, like that music video of a teenage Alanis Morrisette dancing in a fountain.

It may not surprise you that the sequence of poses in this workout are very similar to the first two. It’s heavy on the forward bends, and while I can’t feel the benefits to my pancreas that she insists are quite real, it is a good stretch for your hamstrings.  And so we close the curtain on the blanket fort, until next time.